Hello Mr Muhammed, thanks for coming in for your Asylum interview. I’m sure you understand we have some targets at the Home Office which we need to fulfill, and we don’t want any nasty Romanians seeping through the net! I’ve got a list of questions to ask you - I hope you don’t mind.
So let see… your country is at still war. Ooh thats not very nice is it? That must be quite tough for you, I’ve never been in a war - maybe I should try that some day. Now it says here that your job, where you have been helping the British army, means you’re likely to be killed by radical insurgent groups. Sounds reasonable enough for Asylum, but have you checked this with their head office? I’m sure they, like us, have a feckless bureaucratic procedure that reduces people to documents and names to categories. It could be what has happened there - I’m sure its a misunderstanding.
Oh, I’m sorry, we couldn’t possibly let you in. You see, you’re from Iraq. Now you guys are meant to be staying and rebuilding… now now Mr Muhammed, I know that it was the British and US army which did a lot of the dismantling but you guys aren’t going to live in a liberal democratic paradise inless you give us a hand. There’s no need to get angry. That Saddam chap was a pretty scary guy after all and he’s not there now. My kids used to have nightmares whenever he was on the news. Your kids were killed in a roadside bomb? We had a few wet beds but nothing that clamatic. Was it a nice funeral?
Getting back to the point, Mr Muhammed, they need you there. Think, if you’re killed and what remains of your family are buried in a mass grave the nutrients from your rotting carcass could be used to fuel a burgeoning agricultural sector.
No?
I hear Syria and Jordan are nice at this time of year.
(See here, here, here, here, here and the petition here. I will be sending a letter to my MP).
